Who'd live with a writer? We're all nuts.

 This piece was first published in Red Herrings, the Crime Writers Association @the_cwa in the March 2022 issue:)

Who’d live with a writer? – We’re all nuts

By

Jennifer Lee Thomson

 

"For goodness’ sake. Where have you been? I'm freezing out here."

I flash my partner of over 20 years a wry smile. "Sorry, I had a chapter to finish. I wasn't long, was I?"

He takes a sharp intake of breath and breathes the air out his nose like a raging bull. "Of course you bloody were. What else would you be doing for 20 minutes, in the public toilets as I stand out in the snow shrivelling and shivering."

I fight back the desire to congratulate him on his fine alliteration but think better of it. I've stretched his patience already. He's a rubber band about to snap.

We're meant to be on a Christmas shopping trip. He'd envisioned being warm inside a shopping centre drinking a cup of hot chocolate with a touch of ginger and eating a cinnamon bun, reading his paper as I went round the shops. Not standing outside in the snow.

We hadn't even made it to the shopping centre before inspiration had struck and I used the excuse of going to the toilets to get it down on my phone.

That's the trouble with living with a writer. There's a lot of standing around waiting as they finish that last sentence, that last paragraph, that last chapter.

"Just give me a few moments. I need to do this now." Those are probably the two phrases I use more than any other.

Who in their right mind would want to live with a writer?

We're an annoying bunch. We're a slave to our writing. When we're deep into it, we wouldn't notice if the house was burning down.

Our life is all about deadlines. The deadlines we are given and the ones we set for ourselves.

Our writing is a time stealer - thieving huge chunks from family and friends.

In my case, I'm always asking stupid questions seeking the male point of view.

The questions we ask are completely insane. And if we weren't writers we would probably be reported to the police or the anti-terrorism unit.

Questions like would curling tongs on a man's bits hurt and can you get rid of a whole body in a wood chipper?

There isn't a piece of paper or a notebook that's not written on in our homes. We devour paper like termites. And at least in my case I'm told I horde all the pens. Well, how else do I make sure I always have one (or six) at hand?

Let's salute them; those who live with writers. Mentioning them in the acknowledgements of our latest book or article isn't much of a reward for all that they do.

Just ask my other half who has spent far too long standing outside different establishments whilst I finish the last line.

 

BIO

Jennifer is the author of several books including fiction and non-fiction. Her most recent books are the pulpy crime fiction novella How Kirsty gets her Kicks from Shotgun Honey and Vile City (Detective in a coma book 1) from Diamond Books.

In Vile City, DI Duncan Waddell thinks he’s losing his mind when his best friend and colleague Stevie Campbell who’s in a coma starts to talking to him. But only Waddell can hear him.

Twitter @jenthom72

Blog https://ramblingsofafrustratedcrimewriter.blogspot.com/

 

You can visit their website at https://thecwa.co.uk/

Happy crime reading, viewing and or watching.